日式英语笑话
日式英语笑话_英语幽默小笑话
一．A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" 只剩一个引擎 一架 747 客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意， 我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是 我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你 们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我 们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上 帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”二.The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。
他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家 时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后， 再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。 三.My First and My LastWhen George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. 乔治 35 岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做 各种各样的特技飞行了。
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." 乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克 心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。” They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. 升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." 后来他们着陆了。
马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。
他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说： “乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。” Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" 乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？” "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. “是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。 四.Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!" Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot. "Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?" He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again." 彼得十八岁那年参了军， 他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得在其 他方面都做得很好，但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击，除了彼得其他人 都没有问题。他射了九次，一次也没有命中目标。这时，教新兵射击的教官说： “彼得，你看来是没希望了，不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉！去那堵墙后面用它 向自己打一枪吧。” 彼得感到非常惭愧。
他走到那堵墙后面。
几分钟后， 教官和新兵们听到一声枪响。
“上帝！”教官叫起来，“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了？” 他急忙跑到那堵墙后面，发现彼得安然无恙。“对不起，长官，”他说，“我还是没 有命中。” 五.A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes. 有个小男孩非常需要 50 美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信 向上帝索要这 50 美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗 笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩 5 美元，因为他觉得 5 美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少 了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封感谢信，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你 把钱寄给我。然而，我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我 45 美元的税。六.Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way. 汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面， 因此他在黑板上写道： “汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。
一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c” 擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色 地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?" "You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile. On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package. Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".七.情人节前一天，一个女人做了个项链的梦。
当她醒来，她和她丈夫说：“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是 什么含义呢？”。
“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。
情人节那天，男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。
她很兴奋地打开，看到的却是一本书，书名是《梦的解析》。 八、一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人，他数到 100 睁开眼 睛，看到所有的人都藏起来了，只有牛顿还站在那里。
A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.爱因斯坦走过去说：“牛顿，我抓住你了。” Einstein walked to him and said: "Newton, I've got you!"牛顿：“不，你没有抓到牛顿。” Newton answered: "No. You didn't got Newton."爱因斯坦：“你不是牛顿你还能是谁？” Einstein said: "Then who are you!?"牛顿：“你看我脚下是什么？” Newton said: "Look, where am I standing?"爱因斯坦低头，看到牛顿站在一块长、宽都是一米的正方形地板砖上，大为不解。
Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.牛顿：“我脚下是一平方米的方块，我站在上面就是牛顿/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛顿， 你抓住的是帕斯卡。” Newton then said: "There's one square meters under my feet. It then make us 'Newton divided by square meter". So, what you've got is not Newton, but Pascal." 九.A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. 一个男孩放学回家时，感到肚子疼。
"Well, sit down and have some snacks," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it." “来，坐下吃些点心，”他的妈妈说。“你肚子疼，是因为肚子空了。你吃了东西，就没事了。” Shortly afterwards, dad came in from work, complaining of a headche. "That's because it's empty," said his son. "You'll be all right if you have something in it." 过了一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回来，抱怨说自己头疼。“你头疼，是因为脑袋空了，”他的儿 子说，“脑袋里装点东西，就没事了。”十.It was so late. Frank lay in bed and demanded his mother to peel the apple for him. 天很晚了。弗兰克躺在床上，要妈妈给他削苹果吃。
"It's so late, sonny, that apples have already gone to bed." “孩子，太晚了，苹果已经睡觉了。” "No, they won't, mama. The small apples may have gone to bed, but the big ones mustn't." “不，不会的，妈妈。小苹果可能睡了，但大苹果一定没有睡。”十一."My father made a scarecrow so good that crows would not come within three miles of his farm," a boy boasted. 一个男孩夸口说：“我爸爸做的稻草人非常好，所以他的农场 3 英里内都没有乌鸦。” "That's nothing," his friend said. "My uncle made a scarecrow so good that the crows brought back all the corn they had stolen the previous years." “那有什么，”他的朋友说：“我叔叔做的稻草人非常棒，乌鸦把去年偷的所有粮食都送了回 来。” 十二.A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.' 有个人开车行驶在上班的路上， 一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车， 当时他就不省人事了。
路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了 药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说： “被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的广 告牌上面闪烁着?壳牌?，但是有个人挡住了那个“S”。” 十三.Little Mike was visiting on his grandparents' farm. Checking the chicken's tail, he came upon a peacock. He ranquickly to the house shouting, "Granny, come quick! Your chicken is in bloom!" 小迈克正在参观爷爷奶奶的农场。他在鸡群中看到一只孔雀。他马上跑向屋子，大声喊道： “奶奶，快来！你的一只鸡开花了！”
日式英语笑话_英语笑话大全
1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100." No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire." 数到一百再说 课堂上，老师背靠火炉站着，对学生们说：“说话前要三思，起码数到 50， 重要的事情要数到一百。” 老师的话音刚落，学生立刻从“1”开始数起来。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！ 老师，您的衣服着火了。” 2.The Advantage of Alcohol In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?" The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol." 酒的好处 为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子 很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？” 学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。” 3.Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise? Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep. Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep? Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf. 把乌龟换成狼 老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明，你说说 看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？ 小明：因为它睡觉了。
老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？ 小明：把乌龟换成狼！ 搞笑电脑问题大全：能帮我重启网络吗？ 搞笑电脑问题大全：能帮我重启网络吗？ Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped. Such as: "Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?" Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?" Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?" Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were: -- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?" -- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?" -- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?" -- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?" -- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?" Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks. "These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said. 帮用户解决电脑问题是电脑技术支持的主要职责， 但有时用户提的问题甚至把 IT 精英们都给难倒了。
比如：“为什么我的无线鼠标没连在电脑上？” 再如：“能帮我重启一下网络吗？” 还有人会问：“在哪能下载追踪 UFO 的软件？” 总部位于加州门罗园的“罗伯特 1/2”IT 咨询公司日前对美国各地的 1400 位公司 IT 主管进行了一项调查，让他们列出公司的技术咨询或支持部门所遇到的“最难回 答”的问题。其中包括： “电脑提示：请按任意键继续。这个任意键在哪？” “你能将键盘按字母顺序重排吗？” “我女儿被锁在浴室了，你能开锁吗？” “能不能帮我查查明年的天气预报？” “能帮我在电脑上安装有线电视吗？” 还有一位用户将光盘驱动器（CD-ROM）与一种杯架混淆了，问曰：“怎么把电脑 上的咖啡杯架弄出来？” “罗伯特 1/2”IT 咨询公司的执行官凯瑟琳?斯宾塞?李说，这些问题对于技术人员 来说的确是个考验。
她说：“技术人员在解答这些问题时，一定要有耐心，要理解用户，还要有些幽 默感。” Fresh Richer A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1) －filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．” 新 贵 一个新贵在墓葬品商店选购他死时要用的棺材，有人问他：“最好买哪一 种？”他说：“镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。” NOTE 注释： 1. zinc n. 锌 vt. 涂锌于. 2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的 The reds or the greens？ Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？” 红的还是绿的？树上的两只苹果俯瞰着世界。第一只苹果说：“瞧瞧这些人吧，争斗、抢劫、 骚乱——似乎就没有人愿意与别的人好好相处。总有一天，我们苹果就会成 为世上惟一的幸存者。
到那时我们就将统治世界。
”第二只苹果回答说： “我 们中的哪些呢——红的还是绿的？” You don’t have to pay for lightning Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？ Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning. 闪电不用付钱老师：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别？ 学生：闪电不用付钱。本文无注释 H o n e s t y A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．． Man：What's the problem，officer？ Officer：You were going at least ７５in a ５５zone． Man：No，sir，I was going ６５． Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going ８０．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．） Officer：I' m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight． Man：Broken taillight？I didn't know about a broken taillight。
Wife：Oh Harry，you've known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．） Officer：I' m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt． Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car． Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt． Man：Shut your dang mouth。
Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma ' am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？ Wife：No，only when he's drunk． 诚 实 警官让一位驾车的男士停下车。随后出现如下的对话： 男士：警官，有什么问题？ 警官：你在限速５５英里的地段开到至少７５英里。
男士：不，长官，是６５英里。
妻子：啊，哈里，你刚才开到８０英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。） 警官：我还要给你张罚单，你的尾灯碎了。
男士：尾灯碎了？你不说，我还真不知道尾灯碎了。
妻子： 哈里， 哦， 几个星期以前你就知道了。
（男士又恶狠狠地瞪了她一眼。
） 警官：我还要给你张传票，你没系安全带。
男士：噢，你朝我车走过来的时候我才解开的。
妻子：啊，哈里，你从来都不系安全带。
男士：闭上你的臭嘴。
警官：（转向女士）夫人，你丈夫总是这样跟你说话吗？ 妻子：不，只有当他醉了的时候。He must have a computer A mother was teaching her ５-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.” 他一定有台电脑 一位母亲给她５岁的儿子讲上帝。“你知道吗, ”有一天她对他说, “无论 一个人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睁大了眼睛看着他妈 妈说, “哇。那他一定有一台电脑。”Nice Try My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ” The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald. □by Peter Orphanos 尝 试 我和妻子被警察拦住了，他给我们开一个超速的罚款单。我的妻子是一个发 型设计师，于是她就对警察说，“如果你让我们免于警告，我就为你免费理 发一年。” 警察脱下他的帽子——他是一个光头。Who is Disgusting First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently， he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．” Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？” First： “No． just take him as a madman， continue to play my piano． I and ” 谁可恶 甲：“我家新搬来的邻居好可恶，竟然深更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。” 乙：“的确可恶。你有没有报警？” 甲：“没有。我当他是疯子，继续弹我的琴。” 本文无注释 Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？” Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．” 《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的？ 老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？” 学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。” 本文无注释 Driving car Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．” Susie：“That' s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．” 开 车 父亲：“哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。” 苏茜：“没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。”HumorMother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．” Susie： “Gosh， mom， must have been a terror． you Just look at Grandma． ” 幽 默 母亲：“苏茜，每次你表现不好，我就多长一根白头发。” 苏茜：“天哪，妈，那你肯定一直都表现很糟。看看外婆吧。”Not Necessary To Answer Teacher： have two questions， isn't necessary to answer the second “I it question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？” Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．” Teacher：“How do you know it？” Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．” 无 需 回 答 老师：“我有两个题目，你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。你有多少根头 发？” 学生：“１．２亿根。” 老师：“你怎么知道？” 学生：“第二题不需回答。” Now I can go home One day after school the teacher said to his students， “Tomorrow morning， any if one of you can answer my first question．I'll permit him or her to go home earlier． The next day， ” when the teacher came into the classroom， found the he blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ” 我 可 以 回 家 了 一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何 一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老 师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的？ 请站起来。” 鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。” Don’t tell her Two twins went to the kindergarten．“Who's the elder and who's the younger one？” asked a nurse． One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her．” 不 要 告 诉 她 两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。“你们两个谁大谁小？”保育员问。
其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说，“哥哥，不要告诉她。” The Things Kids Say One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug． “I can' t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy's room．”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice： “The big sissy4)．” 童言无忌 一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯， 孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗？”母亲笑着，拥抱一下 小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”一阵长长的沉默 之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。” NOTE 注释： 1. thunderstorm n. [气]雷暴 2. tremor n. 震动, 颤动 3. reassuring adj. 安心的, 可靠的 4. sissy n. 胆小鬼