[便盆信仰记] 便盆

　　I am one of those men who likes to live 2)on the edge. By that I mean that I do not fill my
　　3)pickup with gasoline until the needle of the fuel gauge has dipped well into the red area. The red, of course, means danger. This habit of mine does not go unnoticed by my wife. Wives do not miss much. She is constantly reminding me of the foolishness of my actions or my inactions. She is forever telling me that I am going to run out of gas one day and then I would be sorry. I listen to her. Our wedding vows stated that I had to love, honor and listen to her. I listen and then I wait until that needle ventures into the red before fueling up.
　　I was on a pizza run to 4)Hartland the other day when the old pickup 5)sputtered and ran out of gas. It really wasn’t my fault. I think the fuel gauge must have gone bad. That happens a lot. I could hear my wife’s voice telling me how sorry I would be if I ran out of gas. I knew that I would truly be sorry if she found out that I had run out of gas. I could just hear her, “Honestly, if Allen’s brains were gasoline, he wouldn’t have enough to 6)prime the lawn mower.” Or, “Allen, the village called, it is missing its idiot.”
　　My pickup was resting right at the end of Pat Pending’s driveway. Pat is our neighborhood inventor. He has quite a lot of patents. Pat’s wife is named Pat, too. Some years back, she was 7)runner-up in the Miss 8)North Dakota contest. She would have won, but her tractor broke down during the talent competition.
　　I walked up the 9)drive and knocked on the door of Pat’s shop. I knew he’d be in there inventing something, he always is. Pat came to the door. He greeted me and then he had to show me his latest invention, a lawn mower engine that runs on toenail 10)clippings. Then he had to give me a look at an alarm clock that uses an electric 11)cattle prod to get people out of bed and then apologizes. The U.S. Marine Corps is interested in it if he can remove the apology part. Pat has a lot of great inventions. I finally 12)got around to asking him for some gas and he told me to help myself. I told him that I was sorry to bother him, but not as sorry as I would be if my wife found out that I had run out of gas.
　　I had another minor problem and that was that I didn’t have a gas can. Pat didn’t have one either. Pat and I looked around in all of his junk and the only thing we found that could possibly hold gasoline was what looked like an old bedpan. It looked like an old bedpan because it was an old bedpan. I took that bedpan and filled it with gas. I told Pat that I’d be right back and began 13)hoofing it back to my 14)stalled truck.
　　Pat’s dog, Phideaux, a French 15)poodle, accompanied me. I’m sure it was worried that I was 16)swiping the bedpan. I hiked as fast as a man can who is carrying a bedpan full of gas. I got to the pickup, removed the gas cap and began to pour the gas from the bedpan into the gas tank. I was hurrying to get the gas in before my wife learned of my foolishness.
　　While I was busy doing this, one of Hartland’s 17)Lutheran insisters, 18)Reverend 19)Pastor, drove by. I nodded at the passing car, quite happy that it wasn’t my wife. The good Reverend hadn’t gone far past me when he hit his brakes. He put his car into reverse, backed up to me and watched as I poured the contents of the bedpan into the gas tank of my pickup. Reverend Pastor rolled down the window of his car and said, “Now that is what I call faith.”
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　　我是那类喜欢生活在危险边缘的人。这么说的意思是，燃油表指针不降到红色区域我是不会给我那辆皮卡加油的。“红色”当然意味着危险。我这习惯逃不过我太太的眼睛。太太们一般都不会忽略什么东西。她经常提醒我，做这些或者不做那些其实有多笨多蠢。她永远对我说，总有天车子会突然没油，我就会后悔莫及。我有听她的话。我们的结婚誓言里说好的，我必须爱慕她，尊敬她，听从她。她的话我有听，不过我还是等那指针指向红色区域才去加油。
　　有一天，我开车去哈特兰德买比萨饼，路上，这辆老皮卡劈啪响了一阵，然后就没油了。这真不是我的错。我觉得燃油表肯定是坏了。常有这种事的嘛。我能听到太太那把声音，对我说着，一旦半路没油我会多么后悔莫及。我知道，要是给她发现我半路没了汽油，我才真是后悔莫及啊。我几乎能听到她在调侃道，“老实说，如果艾伦的脑髓是汽油，光给割草机加油也不够啊。”又或者，“艾伦，村里打电话来说，他们的白痴不见了。”
　　我的皮卡就停在通往帕特・彭丁家店的车道尽头。彭丁是住在我们家附近的发明家，他拥有很多专利。彭丁的太太，名字也叫彭丁。几年前，她夺过美国北达科他州小姐亚军。她本来可以夺冠的，但在才能竞赛中，她的拖拉机出了问题。
　　我沿着车道前行，敲了敲帕特的店门。我知道他肯定正在里面弄什么小发明，他总是那样。帕特应门而来，招呼我进去，还向我展示了他的最新发明――一台靠脚趾甲屑运转的割草机。接着还给我看了一个用电棒赶人们起床，然后会道歉的闹钟。如果把“道歉”这部分去掉，美国海军陆战队会对此感兴趣。帕特有很多伟大发明。我好不容易才找到机会开口问他要些汽油。他让我自便。我跟他说，很抱歉打扰了他。要是给太太发现我半路没汽油了，那才是更大的遗憾呢。
　　我还有个小问题，就是我没有汽油罐。帕特也没有。我和帕特在他那杂七乱八的宝贝家当里找，唯一找到能用来装汽油的是看上去像个旧便盆的东西。它看上去像旧便盆是因为它本来就是个旧便盆。我拿那个便盆装满了汽油，告诉帕特我转头就回来，然后就往我那半路熄火的皮卡那儿走过去。
　　帕特的狗，皮顿，是只法国髦毛狗，它一路跟着我。我肯定它是担心我要偷走那个便盆。我端着装满汽油的便盆，有多快走多快。走到皮卡那儿，把汽油盖移开，开始把便盆里的汽油倒进汽油罐里。我急急忙忙把汽油灌进去，不想妻子知道我的窘态。
　　当我正忙着这事时，一位哈特兰德路德教会的支持者，我们尊敬的牧师驶过。我朝他那驶经的车点点头，很庆幸不是我太太。那个善良的牧师没开过多远就踩了油门刹车。他倒车，开回我旁边，看着我把便盆里的东西倒进皮卡汽油罐里。尊敬的牧师摇下车玻璃，说道：“这就是我所说的信仰。”
　　
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